never gave an update from march? lol

the trip to TN was soooooo great. i feel so much closer to him and a lot less tense. i didn't even drink really on the trip. and i didn't hate my body. he doesn't make me feel insecure at all. i lost all negative thoughts. which gave me so much relief. i really do like him, he makes me feel at peace. that means so so so so much to me.

i feel like i'm a person that needs a lot of reassurance, so my mind can go a bit crazy when i feel like he's acting distant (he never does anything super distant, it's just my brain being dramatic) but he only does so when he's stressed. so i try not to take it to heart cus i know he's going through a hard time. otherwise we match pretty well. we don't share that many similar interests i feel like? but it still works. i just love being in his presence.

i look up to him a lot, i respect him. which to me means almost more than love.

oh yeah, he told me i should just focus on body recomp essentially, cus if i lose anymore weight i won't really have much to work with. which is true. i just want to look more leaner. as long as i'm consistent, i should be great.

yep. yeah. yayyy. LOL

interesting days...

holaaaa

currently at cuckoo's again lol, need to my assignment for software dev. it should be easy.

i finished one of my books this morning, unfortunately it was kinda bad. i keep reading meh books. i'm happy i read it though. but ngl, i'm starting to wonder if i enjoy reading or if i enjoy the type of person people view me as if i read? bruh LOL

i watched this youtube video by this girl, "if you're ambitious but lazy" "learn how to be self-disciplined before it's too late" and it hit me harddddddd. i sit around doing a lot of planning with no action. i want the end result really badly but i don't appreciate the journey.

i need to embrace a lifestyle change instead of viewing the things i want as an end goal. so coming into that realization was pretty nice.

today i plan to just finish my software dev assignment and go home, then head out to the gym. i ate really badly today lol. if i had just stopped at the cfa from this afternoon i would've been fine, but i got a lot of stuff at cuckoo's. it's okay though. tomorrow is a new day.

my graduation is sooo soon... i need to start my studying and keep up with my workouts and eating well. i have a shit ton of assignments due too, i need to stay on top of it all. aaron's dogsitting for his friend this coming sunday, so i'll be able to hang out with him there. which makes me really happy. so i should be doing good for these next couple days to make myself feel like i deserve it!!

he's really sweet. i know he's been stressed out recently though so i feel bad. i can tell the difference. it's minor but i notice. hoping april goes by soon for his sake.

i cried a lot today in the car.. and on the bus.. don't know why i'm so emotional. maybe my period's coming? i guess i messed up my cycle back in march.

I'm happy, I'm grateful. I'm looking forward to my graduation and to life after college. I have lots of things I plan to accomplish. I'll take every day 1 step at a time. I will value the structure I aim to create for my life.

Life is good. I love the people in my life. I love life.