it's 2026!! and i'm 23!! here's my reflection on this past year

yayy it's a new year! which means it's time for me to reflect and think about my goals. i was rereading my entries from 2025 and honestly i really do feel like such a different person. i grew so much, my negativity feels so odd to read back on. but i guess since i had such a great second half of 2025, i kind of forgot exactly how hard of a time i was having before.

first off, school feels like a decade ago. LOL. yes i ended up graduating on time, it was great. my plan after that was to study for my certs, but i only earnestly studied like at most 3 times. i spent a vast majority of my 2025 post-grad focusing on my social life. hanging out w my boyfriend and my friends, trips (went to miami w my bf for my bday and TN w a bunch of friends for his bday), the times my mom visited.. i didn't feel bad about any of this until very recently, probs the last week of december. i was thinking about my future and how in 2026 i absolutely want to get a salary job so that i can leave my warehouse job, basically i got a lot of anxiety bc i have very low belief in my abilities. and how i always have these goals and say i'm going to do stuff but nothing comes to fruition bc i don't do anything. but rather than wallowing in my self-pity, i will just do better. bc there is no point of complaining abt how much i complain. what is the point of being so self-aware if i don't do anything to fix my negative traits? this will be my top priority goal of the year. and i absolutely will do it.

with losing weight, i actually made A LOT of progress in 2025. the smallest i got down to was like 114.8 lbs. that's like 20 lbs lost. and i gymed like frfr, not as consistent as i would like, but i did weightlifting and a lot of ab workouts with cardio. ik reading back i was annoyed at myself for only doing cardio, but it was an earnest start at my journey to weight loss. and it's still exercise. i definitely need to drop the mindset of believing one form of exercise is "better" than the other, i'm not trying to become a bodybuilder, i literally just want to be healthy and fit in my clothes nicely. i will say i was for sure redeveloping a toxic mindset towards dieting (as you can obv see from me LITERALLY saying i was going to PURGE gurl bye), definitely did a lot of starving etc. but since like oct/nov i stopped weighing myself daily and just ate as i pleased tbh. on jan 1st i was 123 ish lbs, last time i weighed myself i was 118 lbs idek when that was. but i feel fine. for fitness goals this year, i just want to be active everyday (closing my circles, even just a 30min walk) and eat cleaner. definitely want to decrease my fast food intake. i can for sure do that. i've been on BC for abt a month now and i don't feel like it has increased my appetite which is nice too. but yeah, i feel happy and positive abt my body. i really don't want to spiral down the toxicity of losing weight again. there's really no need for me to lose weight, i just need to gain muscle. i DO NOT want to care or ever gaf about numbers ever again.

with my relationship, HE IS THE LOML!!!!! it took a minute for my brain to readjust since i was so used to not trusting someone and assuming the worst, but he's shown me time and time again that i have nothing to worry about. he's really really sweet to me. there's so much i could say, but it's everything i've alr told him. i can't wait for another great year with him (: we celebrate our 1 year this february. we're going to houston TX yayyy!!

with my friends, i have definitely created stronger relationships with all of them. i threw a lot of parties and made a lot of plans, it was a rly fun year. even got to visit bestie leilei w aaron and aslin in october :D this year i will do the same but will make sure to prioritize my initial goals first. i did have like a couple weird realizations and was disappointed w 2 ppl in my life, don't talk to them anymore or at least for now (1 is wayyy worse than the other) but HEY that's just apart of life. i'm grateful for the ones that are still here w me. just more lessons i guess.

SO!! i will now work on my full list of 2026 goals. here were my 2025 goals.

POSITIVES!

• i built up my savings!
• i started gymming forreals!
• i ate cleaner! i stopped eating fast food so late and actually had my diet in check! i also meal prepped my lunches for work (:
• i got my waist down to 24-25 inches!
• i spent LOTSSS of time with my friends! +got bf that i love dearly
• i went on 4 vacations!
• i baked cupcakes for my coworkers i think 2 times LOL

ALMOST THERE...

• i was starting to track my spending, but gave up p fast LOL. w this i just more so want to focus on having no spending days + being very intentional w my purchases.
• i actually started running w my bf for a bit!! but the holidays caught up to us, we will start again this monday (:
• hard to say w my water intake, but it's better than it usually is for sure i would say.
• i REALLY attempted my reading challenge, but i kept running into books i hated. for this year, i will 1) lower my goal and 2) drop books if i don't enjoy them. my problem is i always FORCE myself to finish and it ruins my whole flow.
• i didn't do anything w my career pertaining to my major, but i'm still proud of myself for slightly moving up at work even if it was just for peak season.

and this wasn't written in my goals, but recently my sleep has gotten better. which means a lot to me. i stopped drinking energy drinks to compensate for my lack of sleep. great thing!!

but yaaaa. great year. learned lots and experienced lots. so blessed!!

never gave an update from march? lol

the trip to TN was soooooo great. i feel so much closer to him and a lot less tense. i didn't even drink really on the trip. and i didn't hate my body. he doesn't make me feel insecure at all. i lost all negative thoughts. which gave me so much relief. i really do like him, he makes me feel at peace. that means so so so so much to me.

i feel like i'm a person that needs a lot of reassurance, so my mind can go a bit crazy when i feel like he's acting distant (he never does anything super distant, it's just my brain being dramatic) but he only does so when he's stressed. so i try not to take it to heart cus i know he's going through a hard time. otherwise we match pretty well. we don't share that many similar interests i feel like? but it still works. i just love being in his presence.

i look up to him a lot, i respect him. which to me means almost more than love.

oh yeah, he told me i should just focus on body recomp essentially, cus if i lose anymore weight i won't really have much to work with. which is true. i just want to look more leaner. as long as i'm consistent, i should be great.

yep. yeah. yayyy. LOL

interesting days...

holaaaa

currently at cuckoo's again lol, need to my assignment for software dev. it should be easy.

i finished one of my books this morning, unfortunately it was kinda bad. i keep reading meh books. i'm happy i read it though. but ngl, i'm starting to wonder if i enjoy reading or if i enjoy the type of person people view me as if i read? bruh LOL

i watched this youtube video by this girl, "if you're ambitious but lazy" "learn how to be self-disciplined before it's too late" and it hit me harddddddd. i sit around doing a lot of planning with no action. i want the end result really badly but i don't appreciate the journey.

i need to embrace a lifestyle change instead of viewing the things i want as an end goal. so coming into that realization was pretty nice.

today i plan to just finish my software dev assignment and go home, then head out to the gym. i ate really badly today lol. if i had just stopped at the cfa from this afternoon i would've been fine, but i got a lot of stuff at cuckoo's. it's okay though. tomorrow is a new day.

my graduation is sooo soon... i need to start my studying and keep up with my workouts and eating well. i have a shit ton of assignments due too, i need to stay on top of it all. aaron's dogsitting for his friend this coming sunday, so i'll be able to hang out with him there. which makes me really happy. so i should be doing good for these next couple days to make myself feel like i deserve it!!

he's really sweet. i know he's been stressed out recently though so i feel bad. i can tell the difference. it's minor but i notice. hoping april goes by soon for his sake.

i cried a lot today in the car.. and on the bus.. don't know why i'm so emotional. maybe my period's coming? i guess i messed up my cycle back in march.

I'm happy, I'm grateful. I'm looking forward to my graduation and to life after college. I have lots of things I plan to accomplish. I'll take every day 1 step at a time. I will value the structure I aim to create for my life.

Life is good. I love the people in my life. I love life.

im 22 now

i honestly forgot i had these blogs LOL

it's so weird looking back at my posts but i'm glad i did stuff like this when i was younger, it's nice to have documented feelings somewhere lol. 

but of course i'm here again bc i'm having such a hard time. LOL. i'm at cuckoo's in snellville right now. i always thought i wasn't the type of person to study or do work at a cafe but i did it yesterday and it was nice. granted i started off at the library first so i was on a good flow but today feels cool too. i'm half ass drinking my alani mix and i ordered a winter melon green tea (half sugar ofc) yasss

got to finish my project today for computer networks and preferably finish up the assignment for PLC, tomorrow i'll finish the PLC project. because from sunday-wednesday i'll be in gatlinburg with my BF aaron >-< YUSSS

anyways... this year has been really hard for me mentally, ngl. which is surprising bc i feel like i should've been doing worse last year LOL considering my break up and stuff. but i think it's bc i half assed processed the shit that happened and kept distracting myself with my newly granted freedom so. now that i'm really trying to work on myself and got into a new relationship, shit's been hitting really hard.

for as long as i've remembered. my goals have always generally been the same. every year. because i haven't been capable of achieving them. LOL. ideally, and simply (i guess), i just want to be a fit person with smart hobbies. and good discipline. i want to be organized and have my shit "together". this type of lifestyle requires me to have a consistent routine. which has been REALLY HARD for me to do. i don't know if it's like i have no real strive for becoming better?? or the feeling of being overwhelmed that's destroying me. but holyyy shit. everyday has felt so exhausting. i want time to stop for like a month. i cannot stress how tired i am. ): i really am so tired.

sundays i work 6:30am - 2:30pm. recently i've been hanging out with friends after work on these days, which i plan to cut out because i mentally can't do it anymore LOL unfortunately. sucks bc i really really do value my social life!!! i love my friends. they keep me going frrrr

mondays i work 6:30am - 11:30am, school from 12:30pm to 7:15pm........ this is the worst day for me because i most definitely don't get enough sleep on sunday nights, just to have the longest day imaginable on mondays. BRUTAL ASF!!

tuesdays i work 6:30am - 2:30pm. then i see my boyfriend sometime past 5pm usually.. we used to see each other on fridays (which was honestly better because it spaces out my week more. i thought it wouldn't be bad/would be better squeezing everything in the first half of the week, but no it's been exhausting. of course i still don't mind frfr bc i love seeing him :3 LOL)

wednesdays i have school 12:30pm to 7:15pm. i wake up pretty late on these days. haven't attended that 12:30pm class in what feels like forever, tbf it's because the prof also be doing too much so i never wanna go anyways LOL

thursdays-saturday i'm FREE, but not really obviously. grocery shopping, appointments, favors, errands, chores.. UGH

every single one of these days i'm expecting myself to do some sort of exercise. i did a lot of walking for a long time, but atp walking doesn't feel like enough. i feel pathetic and worthless by only doing walking. which is dumb because i'm still going to school IRL so i should be more LAX Xp on myself LOL. my problem is that i compare myself to others too easily. i hate feeling like i'm behind on something. do you know how much it hurts my ego to see someone accomplishing something i've been saying i've wanted for the longest time??? i feel sooooo pathetic!!!! it's not that i'm not happy for them, i'm not evil lol, it just makes me feel like "wow michelle, people out here can actually stick to their goals, meanwhile look at you" ykwim? i feel so stupid

i was like 135 WHOPPING pounds (LMAO) in january, this month of march i've been going back and forth between 128.6 to 130 lbs. unfortunately...... i will be purging tonight idgaf LOLOLOL. i want to be 125 by the end of march. i think 5 pounds a month is pretty feasible. not too overwhelming, cus i can't completely starve myself 24/7 since i need mental energy for school. i can starve at work cus it's mindless work since it's just a warehouse job. and lowkey i enjoy that exhausting type of feeling at work. but at school i just can't lol. like i said, i've generally been pretty active everyday. i just need to do more weightlifting (glutes mostly, BRUH MY ASS GOT FLAT?!?!?) and have to keep up with my ab exercises.

my eating is OK.... haven't ate "bad" fast food in a grip. and when i "binge" it's not really bad tbh. i just need to stick to 1,100 cals max and ~100g protein daily. and i srsly need to stop eating out by myself. i have a lot of food at home, i need to eat before i leave or pack stuff with me. i also want to cook and meal prep but... that's lowkey too much for me rn. i'm just being honest lol. i have noticed that having too many "new" things i want to stick to is what's killing me. oh, also i've been drinking a lot more water. which is great!!! but i drink alcohol now so #rip LMAO i try not to too much, only when i'm out with someone. recently it's been once or twice a week. need to chill out.. BUT I LOVEEEE HOW IT MAKES ME FEEEEEEL i feel so happy LMAO it relaxes me so much. i feel so tense normally :/ it's so bad. this can get toxic quick but i feel pretty chill about my consumption. i don't overdo it when i do drink.

my general goals for what my stats should be are:

• under 20 bmi -> anything under 120 lbs i'm content with as i understand to have muscle i'll need more weight on me. so 111 lbs isn't realistic if i'm not okay with having a flat ass LOL
• 24 inch waist -> from my memory, the smallest waist measurement i've recorded for myself is 25 inches. honestly, as long as it looks small and my stomach looks toned enough or flat enough for me to wear crop tops comfortably, i'm okay with it
• under 20% body fat percentage......... LE CHOP -> this is interesting because i was so hyper-focused on body fat percentage just to recently learn that the thing i should be focused on is subcutaneous fat LOLL bruh. bc body fat percentage is like the fat around your organs. meanwhile subcutaneous fat is the fat directly under your skin, the fat you actually really see. SO, now my goal is to hyper-focus on this instead Xp LMAO, the lowest i've had is 19.9%, i want to be in the "low" category and that is 18.5% at its highest. sooo yeah.

for other general goals:

• clear up my skin -> i do my skincare pretty consistently nowadays. my skin will naturally get better as i fix my diet to be less processed food. but it's cool right now, not the best, but it's okay.
• get better at makeup and doing my hair -> not a huge concern for me rn tbh. literally don't gaf
• read more -> i read 1 book so far this year... LOL i got like 5 books yesterday at the library though. was reading this morning. should be finished with it, maybe tonight?? we'll see. but this is DEFINITELY a hobby i REALLY want to get into again frfr. a lot of my hobbies aren't productive. but this is good. like, i enjoy watching movies (i go to the theaters every week) but i prefer reading for media consumption.
• baking skills -> this one sucks bc i do like baking but a lot of the shit i would bake is super unhealthy. i could make it a goal to be a better cook but i don't like cooking. LOL. and i don't want to torture myself with a goal or a hobby that i don't care for, that's what exercising is for LOLLLL. i plan to make protein muffins soon though maybe i could focus on stuff like that?
• learn crocheting -> this is something that's really cool to me but would obviously take a lot of intentional learning. very low on my priority list.

but obviously, the BIGGEST goal is.. GRADUATING.

i was SO preoccupied with my exercise goals that i was prioritizing closing my circles over studying and turning shit in on time!!! AM I INSANE??!?! lol i'm so shit at balancing stuff in my life correctly. for software dev and computer networks, i feel good. for mobile app, i feel okay. for PLC!??!?!?! i got a fucking 27% on the midterm... that's 20% of my grade btw. so i had a huge slap in the face and have been silently freaking tf out. i've been attending classes and doing my notes, need to finish these 2 assignments and when i get back from gatlinburg i'm going to go back over the notes from the other units to catch myself up. i'm genuinely really scared with this class. i need to do really well or else i could possibly fail the class and not graduate. i don't know what i would do if i didn't graduate. there's so many people i would disappoint. even if they're not disappointed, i would feel beyond humiliated. so obviously i've been more lax on my circles to focus more on school. i brought it from 1 hr exercise to 30 min like around the time i saw my score. and just rn i changed the 600 cal goal to 400 cals. that's feasible. bc i also don't want to not close my circles, as that will make me feel really bad too lol. ugh.

anyways. this was a lot of rambling. a lot of this shit overwhelms me, and although i love my boyfriend as he is SO NICE and SO SUPPORTIVE, i can recognize that being in a relationship is making me really self conscious. but that's because i have really low self esteem. due to no fault of my own, it's bc of my last relationship. so i do spend a lot of time thinking about stupid shit i shouldn't be concerning myself with considering i have more important things to worry about (studying). but thankfully, he's a really good person. so there's no reason for me to have negative thoughts or be sad about stuff. weirdly enough, bc he's so supportive and kind to me, it gives me anxiety in a way?? because it makes me scared to disappoint him. i use his support to fuel me but i can't tell if i'm doing it in a toxic way or not. i guess i am (in regards to my body goals). he's a fit guy so i'm scared he'll think less of my body i guess. i don't feel good enough for him a lot of the times. and he's smarter than me lol. aughhhh. BUT, the plan is that i WILL be fit and i WILL be "smart enough" for a career in cybersecurity ANYWAYS, so these feelings of worthlessness are stupid. LOL?? i think i overthink too much. and i need to stop putting people on pedestals. nobody is better than me... i'm doing fine. i can find inspiration through others. but just because they have qualities i don't have (yet), doesn't make me less than. even if others look down on me, nothing matters. i need to stop being afraid of that. i guess that's just my ego speaking?

welp... i've spent like an hour typing this up. need to start on my computer networks project now LOL. this was good though. i needed to write this out really bad. i need to stop being so tense and just take every day step by step. I PRAY THAT EVERYTHING WILL WORK OUT!!!

i WILL graduate THIS MAY

that's the most important thing right now. I GOT THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we will hardcore focus on fitness after graduation. and i will be able to balance my life better with that and studying for my career post grad. (: I WILL BE OKAY.

i have amazing people in my life. i'm still grateful for where i'm at. I WILL SHOW MYSELF I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TO WITH THIS PLC CLASS!!!!!!

i always want to die during this time

aye whaddup

i love my boyfriend

         

this isn't all of it folks ! i'll update with more sometime soon. i fuckin love dean

i suck

jnkjjbd